Hard and not hard

I just realized it has been a week since I posted last. Not much new is happening, just another lecture exam this Friday. I don't mind that they are so close together. It means each one covers less material. My exam this Friday only covers two chapters, but they are big chapters. Chapter 7 is bones and chapter 8 is joints. Bones are hard...no pun intended, well maybe a little. Understanding their function isn't nearly as hard as memorizing them. I get the names of the bones. It's just that every nook and cranny and rough patch on the bone has its own name. The skull alone has at least 1000 bones, or maybe 20. The bones of the appendicular skeleton are riddled with things called condyles, epicondyles, tuberosities, trochanters, processes, fossas and so on. Joints have lots of different types and movements and ligaments with funky names and stuff. Fortunately, these tests are not hard. Our teacher makes every effort to let us know what's on the test. We have specific study guides given to us at the beginning of each section and we have lots of in class review. The labs are coordinated with the lecture to reinforce each other. Our textbooks have a website with flashcards, tests and games for each chapter. I also do the chapter review questions in the text. The test itself is mostly multiple choice, where 5 answers are paired with 5 questions so each answer gets used. A good guesser could pass. There's even 5 bonus questions. So I'm confused as to why the average score on the last exam was 78%. Best not to think about it too much.

Too Early for Spring?

Is it too early to be thinking about spring? Never. In fact, I've got mine all planned out. I just registered for my spring semester at Ivy Tech. I'm not even to the middle of Anatomy 101 but I'm pretty sure I will pass. The next logical step would be Anatomy 201. I love going to school on Fridays. If I didn't like school I would probably prefer a different day. But I love going to school so Fridays are the perfect day. I love getting out of the house, using my brain, communicating with grown-ups (at some point I'm going to have to call them adults) and having lunch with Jason. I love it. It's scary but I love it. It reminds me I'm alive. I love that Jenny takes care of the kids. I trust her and they love it there. I can completely stop thinking about them for a few hours and focus on school. Thanks a whole bunch, Jenny. Anyways, back to the point. I decided to stick with Fridays. So I have registered for Anatomy and Physiology 201 section 27L. So starting January 16, 2009 I will meet every Friday from 10-11:50 for lecture and 1-2:50 for lab. It's only one hour later than this semester. I think that will actually be better for everybody. It's perfect.

Now, does anybody know a good way for me to earn $350 dollars by January? We could pay for it, but I would really like to earn it myself. I worked for the money last semester and it felt really good to pay for my classes myself without taking any money from my family to do it. Ideas?

I Have an Incurable, Dibilitating Disease

I had been having terrible stomach aches for quite sometime when I finally went to the doctor. I pooped in a cup for him only to be told it wasn't physical, it was mental. If I didn't stop worrying I was going to get an ulcer. I was seven years old.

After a few years the stomach aches tapered off and I forgot all about the doctor visit. I thought it was all bunk anyway because I didn't consider myself a worrier. I've thrown around the term perfectionist instead through the years but I wasn't sure if it fit me because I thought perfectionism was a good thing. It means I'm perfect, which I am definitely not and that fact makes me so angry and scared that I want to scream sometimes. Oh wait, maybe that's what perfectionism really means. It's not a good thing at all. I'm just starting to put this all together at the age of 31.

I had an Aha! moment this week. Maybe Aha! isn't the right term since the realization scared me. It was more like an Oh no! moment. I realized that going back to school is adding a lot of stress and work and fear to my life and it is completely unnecessary. I have put myself into a position for the potential to make a lot of mistakes and be a lot less than perfect and a lot of people will see it and/or be directly affected by it. Oh crap! I can't believe I not only volunteered to do this, but I am also paying to do this. Consider the contrast of what I could be doing instead. Thanks to Jason I could literally never have a job ever again. I could stay safely hidden away in my house and make as few mistakes as possible. No one would grade me. No one could fire me. I could get through these next few years being a minimalist mom and then take it easy for the rest of my life, retiring at the age of 46 or so with a nice, bland permanent record. (See footnote for explanation.)

Instead I have chosen sleepless nights and nauseating anxiety over every quiz and every exam and every sheet of homework. I feel waves of nervous chemicals every time I drive to school. I feel anxious every time I think about starting nursing classes. I feel nervous every time I think about arranging babysitting and paying the tuition and even posting to this blog. I want to vomit when I start to question if this is all one big mistake.

So why am I doing this? I'm hoping the reward is worth the risk. As a perfectionist my fear of making mistakes is almost debilitating at times. But the drive to challenge myself to see what I'm made of is overwhelming. There is a battle going on in me almost constantly between these two forces. When I get an idea in my head, I have blinders on to the rest of the world. I take that idea and I turn it over and over in my head looking at it from every angle and I won't stop until I've decided if it will work or not. If I think something will work, I know it will work and then I won't let anything stop me until I'm done, that includes my intense fear. Occasionally fear wins the battle, like when I'm socializing with women or trying to decide where to eat. Usually determination wins and then everybody needs to get out of the way.

I will be a nurse. (dramatic pause) Oh yes, I will be a nurse...unless this is all one big mistake. I think I'm going to throw up now.

PS: I got 125 out of 120 on my second lecture exam. I can live another day.

PPS: If you are offended that I am making light of actual diseases, remember that tooth decay and acne are considered diseases. I think being easily offended is a disease as well. Seek help.

Footnote: (I'm not suggesting stay-at-home moms take no risks and hide away doing nothing. I'm saying a stay-at-home mom could take that path if she so chooses, hence the name minimalist mom. You hard working moms out there know that as a mom you could take an easy route but you choose not to because you know you get out of it what you put into it. You work hard at being a good mom and take risks quite often. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about me. Get your own blog.)

Good news but tough week

You may have figured out by now that I hate chapter 4. I mentioned way back before my first exam that I hated chapter 4. According to our syllabus, our first exam was supposed to be over chapters 1 through 3. During our lecture and even on our study guide, chapter 4 kept popping up, forcing me to read that chapter too. I managed to learn enough of chapter 4 to get by on the exam but I feared what was left to come.

According to the syllabus, my next exam is over chapters 4 through 6. In order to do well on my lab practical, I needed to read chapters 5 and 6 before last Friday. I thought I was far enough ahead that I could spend extra time on chapter 4, hoping that our lecture would explain some of the more complicated parts.

Chapter 4 was mentioned during the lecture, briefly. We were told that chapter 4 would not be making an appearance on this exam. All we needed to know was already covered on our first exam. Are you kidding me? Wonderful! I wanted to kiss her, but I don't think she likes physical contact.

Now for the tough part. In lab we began learning the skeleton. I love the skeleton, at least I thought I did until lab. It turns out I love the appendicular skeleton, which is next week. This week we learned about the axial skeleton. That is the bones of the skull, vertebral column and ribs. I was floored by the number and names of the bones, sutures, bumps and grooves of the skull. I think we all were a little shell shocked. I've spent enough time with it since then that I think I've got most of them. But it is still tough to determine on a solid cream colored plastic skull.

So we have a lab quiz this Friday right after the lecture exam. I need to know all about the four tissues of the body, all about the integumentary system and enough to hold my own on the skull and vertebrae. This is all doable, but it won't be easy.

I love anatomy.

Chapter 4: Humbling Laura

I hate chapter 4. I have loved every other chapter 1-6. Chapter 4 is killing me. It's all about cellular respiration. I hate glycolisis, the citric acid cycle and the electron transport chain. I hate mRNA, tRNA, codons, ACTG, ACUG, and all that complicated crap. I feel like a little kid. I want to jump up and down yelling, "I hate it, hate it, HATE IT!"

The next exam is October 10 over chapters 4-6. I guess I will be eating, sleeping and wiping my bottom-side with chapter 4 for the next week and half. My reward will be running 13 miles the following Sunday (12th). I need prayer...and a really good cheesecake.

They really try to make it easy.

We spent the entire 2 hours of lecture just reviewing for our lab practical. None of the material is that complicated. It's mostly memorizing names, locations and functions of things. You can't learn it all of sudden just before the test. And based on some of the questions asked during the review, there were several people who hadn't learned it at all. I remember thinking, "I fear for our future patients." My point is that we're being coddled. The material is tough and in-depth. If each of us actually learned it all we'd be very effective nurses. The problem is that we aren't being challenged to learn it. Our tests are silly easy and we're practically given all of the questions and answers before hand. I'm getting a little frustrated. I'm working my tail off all week to understand all of this, then I go to class and they hold the hands of all the people who aren't studying much at all. The class averaged 80% on the lecture exam and the teacher said that it was good. Really? Picture yourself sick in a hospital bed and the nurse comes in and starts poking you with needles and pills and says, "Don't worry. I got an 80% on this stuff. I know what I'm doing." It's not comforting. At least this is not a nursing class. It's just a pre-requisite to get into the school of nursing. I imagine the stakes will go up considerably as will the intelligence and work ethic of my classmates. I hope so. I think there are a lot of people like me in there, but they are the quiet ones. It will take some time to find them.

I've got some new grades to report. I got 10 out of 10 on my lab manual, 15 out of 15 on a tissues worksheet and 103 out of 100 on the lab exam. I must have missed one. I'm not sure which one yet.

Our next exam is over chapters 4,5 and 6. I had to read chapters 5 and 6 to help me learn the stuff on our lab practical so I'm a bit ahead. I think I'll take an afternoon off and treat myself to some shopping at Lowe's.

I apologize for my arrogance and deep thinking.

I apologize for my arrogance about my score on the lab exam. I really didn't expect it to be that easy so I was a bit exuberant, some would say, obnoxious.

This Friday I have my first lab practical which is basically a test over everything we have done and learned in lab. It's worth 100 points and I doubt it will be anywhere near as easy as the lecture exam. This is where all the labeling of parts and defining of functions will come in. This will be full of open ended questions and the answers will come strictly from my brains. And from what I hear, one cup of coffee runs out after 3 hours. That means I will be dumb by 10am like the guy in Flowers for Algernon. (High-five on the obscure reference...anyone?)

I'm good on the naming of organs, regions and cuts. I think I am also up to speed on cell parts and functions, including cell division. The trouble area that I have not prepared enough for is identifying tissues from the slides and identifying parts of the skin. I will spend the next few days working on that.

In lab last week, my friend Terry (the non-traditional student I've mentioned before) and I discussed mortgages and taking our kids to the zoo. Two young girls at my table mentioned randomly that they were wearing their boyfriends' shirts.

Really?

I have felt like a kid my whole life because I assumed that I have never really lived. I've often wished I could go and do things over again and fix those things I regret (different classes, different friends...). But in that moment, I realized that I never want to be a kid like that again. I don't know exactly how to describe it but I feel that the highs and lows, problems, joys and monotony of my life finally have some significance. (Did I mention monotony?) Maybe they did back then as well but I am just now seeing how the pieces fit together in the puzzle. Either way, my point is that those girls just had no clue about life and I am starting to see that I do and could never go back to that time and lose all those intangibles that I've gained in the last 10 years. I guess I just needed the contrast to see how I've changed. Thanks, college.

How will I see things differently when I'm 40? I'll look back and say, "Man, I was an idiot when I was 30." Then I'll go put on one of Jason's shirts.