All things considered

I could barely hold my head up Friday morning before the test and I had to reread a lot of the questions before they made sense and it took me 10 minutes longer than the other tests. These things (lame excuses) considered, I think I did a pretty good job. I didn't get them all right and I'm going to try to not let that get to me too much. I missed two and got 121 out of 120 (with bonus). I then spent most of lunch time studying for my lab quiz. I managed to miss one of them as well and got 7 out of 5 (again, bonus). So Friday I missed more points than I had in all the previous days combined. Good times. I did start to feel a lot better after lunch. I drank some magical potion called Chick-fil-A sweet tea. It cures what ails you.

I'm not good with...words.

With one class a week, perfect attendance is important. I was worried something would happen to the kids forcing me to stay home. I hadn't thought about me getting sick. But, here I am. I was really sick Wednesday which made studying for my test sort of difficult and I was terribly nervous about dragging my fever-riddled, puking time-bomb of a body to class Friday because I was not going to miss this test. Fortunately, what seemed like three days was only one. My puking was intense but short-lived and the fever left last night. I'm up today but very weak. The problem I face now is post-illness stupidity. I'm having trouble forming sentences, remembering things and spelling simple words. I've read through my study guides, answered the chapter questions and took a practice quiz but things aren't sticking as well as I would like. If by chance I am better able to think tomorrow, I'm afraid my studying with only half a brain will affect my results. It's a good thing I have a lot of extra credit built up. Um, bye.

Hard and not hard

I just realized it has been a week since I posted last. Not much new is happening, just another lecture exam this Friday. I don't mind that they are so close together. It means each one covers less material. My exam this Friday only covers two chapters, but they are big chapters. Chapter 7 is bones and chapter 8 is joints. Bones are hard...no pun intended, well maybe a little. Understanding their function isn't nearly as hard as memorizing them. I get the names of the bones. It's just that every nook and cranny and rough patch on the bone has its own name. The skull alone has at least 1000 bones, or maybe 20. The bones of the appendicular skeleton are riddled with things called condyles, epicondyles, tuberosities, trochanters, processes, fossas and so on. Joints have lots of different types and movements and ligaments with funky names and stuff. Fortunately, these tests are not hard. Our teacher makes every effort to let us know what's on the test. We have specific study guides given to us at the beginning of each section and we have lots of in class review. The labs are coordinated with the lecture to reinforce each other. Our textbooks have a website with flashcards, tests and games for each chapter. I also do the chapter review questions in the text. The test itself is mostly multiple choice, where 5 answers are paired with 5 questions so each answer gets used. A good guesser could pass. There's even 5 bonus questions. So I'm confused as to why the average score on the last exam was 78%. Best not to think about it too much.

Too Early for Spring?

Is it too early to be thinking about spring? Never. In fact, I've got mine all planned out. I just registered for my spring semester at Ivy Tech. I'm not even to the middle of Anatomy 101 but I'm pretty sure I will pass. The next logical step would be Anatomy 201. I love going to school on Fridays. If I didn't like school I would probably prefer a different day. But I love going to school so Fridays are the perfect day. I love getting out of the house, using my brain, communicating with grown-ups (at some point I'm going to have to call them adults) and having lunch with Jason. I love it. It's scary but I love it. It reminds me I'm alive. I love that Jenny takes care of the kids. I trust her and they love it there. I can completely stop thinking about them for a few hours and focus on school. Thanks a whole bunch, Jenny. Anyways, back to the point. I decided to stick with Fridays. So I have registered for Anatomy and Physiology 201 section 27L. So starting January 16, 2009 I will meet every Friday from 10-11:50 for lecture and 1-2:50 for lab. It's only one hour later than this semester. I think that will actually be better for everybody. It's perfect.

Now, does anybody know a good way for me to earn $350 dollars by January? We could pay for it, but I would really like to earn it myself. I worked for the money last semester and it felt really good to pay for my classes myself without taking any money from my family to do it. Ideas?

I Have an Incurable, Dibilitating Disease

I had been having terrible stomach aches for quite sometime when I finally went to the doctor. I pooped in a cup for him only to be told it wasn't physical, it was mental. If I didn't stop worrying I was going to get an ulcer. I was seven years old.

After a few years the stomach aches tapered off and I forgot all about the doctor visit. I thought it was all bunk anyway because I didn't consider myself a worrier. I've thrown around the term perfectionist instead through the years but I wasn't sure if it fit me because I thought perfectionism was a good thing. It means I'm perfect, which I am definitely not and that fact makes me so angry and scared that I want to scream sometimes. Oh wait, maybe that's what perfectionism really means. It's not a good thing at all. I'm just starting to put this all together at the age of 31.

I had an Aha! moment this week. Maybe Aha! isn't the right term since the realization scared me. It was more like an Oh no! moment. I realized that going back to school is adding a lot of stress and work and fear to my life and it is completely unnecessary. I have put myself into a position for the potential to make a lot of mistakes and be a lot less than perfect and a lot of people will see it and/or be directly affected by it. Oh crap! I can't believe I not only volunteered to do this, but I am also paying to do this. Consider the contrast of what I could be doing instead. Thanks to Jason I could literally never have a job ever again. I could stay safely hidden away in my house and make as few mistakes as possible. No one would grade me. No one could fire me. I could get through these next few years being a minimalist mom and then take it easy for the rest of my life, retiring at the age of 46 or so with a nice, bland permanent record. (See footnote for explanation.)

Instead I have chosen sleepless nights and nauseating anxiety over every quiz and every exam and every sheet of homework. I feel waves of nervous chemicals every time I drive to school. I feel anxious every time I think about starting nursing classes. I feel nervous every time I think about arranging babysitting and paying the tuition and even posting to this blog. I want to vomit when I start to question if this is all one big mistake.

So why am I doing this? I'm hoping the reward is worth the risk. As a perfectionist my fear of making mistakes is almost debilitating at times. But the drive to challenge myself to see what I'm made of is overwhelming. There is a battle going on in me almost constantly between these two forces. When I get an idea in my head, I have blinders on to the rest of the world. I take that idea and I turn it over and over in my head looking at it from every angle and I won't stop until I've decided if it will work or not. If I think something will work, I know it will work and then I won't let anything stop me until I'm done, that includes my intense fear. Occasionally fear wins the battle, like when I'm socializing with women or trying to decide where to eat. Usually determination wins and then everybody needs to get out of the way.

I will be a nurse. (dramatic pause) Oh yes, I will be a nurse...unless this is all one big mistake. I think I'm going to throw up now.

PS: I got 125 out of 120 on my second lecture exam. I can live another day.

PPS: If you are offended that I am making light of actual diseases, remember that tooth decay and acne are considered diseases. I think being easily offended is a disease as well. Seek help.

Footnote: (I'm not suggesting stay-at-home moms take no risks and hide away doing nothing. I'm saying a stay-at-home mom could take that path if she so chooses, hence the name minimalist mom. You hard working moms out there know that as a mom you could take an easy route but you choose not to because you know you get out of it what you put into it. You work hard at being a good mom and take risks quite often. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about me. Get your own blog.)

Good news but tough week

You may have figured out by now that I hate chapter 4. I mentioned way back before my first exam that I hated chapter 4. According to our syllabus, our first exam was supposed to be over chapters 1 through 3. During our lecture and even on our study guide, chapter 4 kept popping up, forcing me to read that chapter too. I managed to learn enough of chapter 4 to get by on the exam but I feared what was left to come.

According to the syllabus, my next exam is over chapters 4 through 6. In order to do well on my lab practical, I needed to read chapters 5 and 6 before last Friday. I thought I was far enough ahead that I could spend extra time on chapter 4, hoping that our lecture would explain some of the more complicated parts.

Chapter 4 was mentioned during the lecture, briefly. We were told that chapter 4 would not be making an appearance on this exam. All we needed to know was already covered on our first exam. Are you kidding me? Wonderful! I wanted to kiss her, but I don't think she likes physical contact.

Now for the tough part. In lab we began learning the skeleton. I love the skeleton, at least I thought I did until lab. It turns out I love the appendicular skeleton, which is next week. This week we learned about the axial skeleton. That is the bones of the skull, vertebral column and ribs. I was floored by the number and names of the bones, sutures, bumps and grooves of the skull. I think we all were a little shell shocked. I've spent enough time with it since then that I think I've got most of them. But it is still tough to determine on a solid cream colored plastic skull.

So we have a lab quiz this Friday right after the lecture exam. I need to know all about the four tissues of the body, all about the integumentary system and enough to hold my own on the skull and vertebrae. This is all doable, but it won't be easy.

I love anatomy.

Chapter 4: Humbling Laura

I hate chapter 4. I have loved every other chapter 1-6. Chapter 4 is killing me. It's all about cellular respiration. I hate glycolisis, the citric acid cycle and the electron transport chain. I hate mRNA, tRNA, codons, ACTG, ACUG, and all that complicated crap. I feel like a little kid. I want to jump up and down yelling, "I hate it, hate it, HATE IT!"

The next exam is October 10 over chapters 4-6. I guess I will be eating, sleeping and wiping my bottom-side with chapter 4 for the next week and half. My reward will be running 13 miles the following Sunday (12th). I need prayer...and a really good cheesecake.